5 Things That Chap My A@@ (in no particular order)

I will get right to the point. Enjoy!


1 Shannon Sharpe - PLEASE learn how to enunciate without
drooling before you even attempt to try to explain what happened during the 1st half of the Pats/Bills game. Even Lou Holtz is saying "what did he jus thay?"


2 The MTL (More Taste League) commercials by Miller Lite - Please don't tell me that the executives at the Miller Brewing Company got together and said "THAT'S a brilliant marketing scheme designed to draw in the moronic beerdrinkers of the world."IT WORKED!!!! I guess it's a Fantasy Beer League. Also, John C. McGinley (Commissioner), fire your agent.

3 Teams 3-10 in the BCS - REfreakingLAX. It's a long season. Let's not
have a coronary because you are not in the top 2 with a month left.
We all know you beat so-and-so, who beat so-and-so, who lost by 70 to so-and-so. We know YOUR conference is the best and all the others are having a "down" year. It'll all work out how it works out. That's what December is for. It gives a whole month to bitch and complain (justifiably) about how the system is flawed and we need SOMEkind of a playoff. That is not in dispute. Let us (I mean us NON-TOP 10 teams) enjoy whats left of our disappointing season. We will have plenty of time to play this game.

4 Yankee/Red Sox Fans - SHUT UP! Let others play.
Don't be the sore loser on the playground who lost and now you have to reluctantly give the court. Step aside and wait your turn. You are NOT the only one out there. You WILL get your chance again soon. Play Nice!!

5 Miley Cyrus - I Just Don't Like You!

Lose the 'tude!

The Worthlessness of College Cheerleaders

I will seek absolution later for what I'm about to do in this blog now, but this three-year college cheerleader letterman (via my awesome mascotting skills) is about to disparage the entity known as college cheerleaders. Hypocrisy? Perhaps. Nonetheless, it needs to be said.

First, a few disclaimers:

1. I'm not talking about professional cheerleaders. Their entire purpose on this planet (and this is certainly no secret to anyone who is breathing at this present moment) is to be sugary-sweet eye candy to a bunch of beer-swiggin' buffoons both in the stands and on their couches. Talentless, yes, but they're not hired for their talent. They're paid for their looks, their bods, and their willingness to wear next-ta-nuttin' for several hours a week in front of thousands of people (i.e., "libido apes").


2. Mascots are still very valuable. They still deserve a great deal of credit. In fact, they are the best part of some of the teams this year (I'm looking at you, Notre Dame Fighting Irish Leprechaun Dude!). Therefore, they are not included in my little rant.

Now that that's out of the way, I wish to do my disparaging.

1. Formulaic cheers--When was the last time you heard a cheerleading squad start one of their cutesy, learned-this-one-at-summer-cheer-camp cheers, complete with their stilted movements, and that cheer immediately became an uproarious crowd sensation, shaking the very foundation of the stadium itself and putting fear into the other team's players? I'll answer that one myself--never! The only cheers that work are the ones that fans start and the cheerleaders leech onto as if they are the ones "leading" that cheer.
2. Formulaic stunts--What's the point? Seriously, are you trying to prove that with certain movements, you are "athletes"? Just because a 200-pound male cheerleader (i.e., a dude who played 3rd-string football in high school and couldn't even get close to making the cut in college) can toss a 90-pound female cheerleader (i.e., a cupey-doll waif of a human being whose make-up bag weighs more than she does) in the air, what does that prove? Again, I'll field that one myself--nothing!
3. Formulaic dances--If you're particularly sensual in shakin' your perfectly sculpted booty to the delight of every drop of testosterone within a 100-mile radius, then where should you be? Correct! On the school's dance team (i.e., the minor league farm system of professional cheerleading), not on the cheer squad. Thus, those 90-second dance routines you worked on for the past month and a half and that you're presently trying to pull off in front of a crowd are more awkward to watch than a 6th grade co-ed dance. Don't--just don't.

Anyway, I know that I have just condemned my soul to ex-cheerleader perdition for all of eternity, but I felt that the Truth was greater than my own soul. It simply needed to be said.

Now, it's simply time for the collegiate cheerleading squad to realize it has overstayed its welcome and to go the way of the American female beauty pageant, Vanilla Ice, Thanksgiving fruit cakes, and Sarah Palin (I can dream!)--and that way is A-WAY. Forever.

I'm Torn.

As a long-time Volunteer fan, I want to give Phillip Fulmer another chance.


You see, he was the one who . . .

• brought Tennessee back to national prominence after years of Johnny Majors' mediocrity,
• brought a national title to Rocky Top,
• was 45-5 from 1995-98 with 2 SEC championships,
• took his team to the SEC championship 5 times in the last 11 years (more than any other team in the SEC over that stretch),
• ran a clean program for the entire 17 years he was there,
• dedicated 30 years of his life to Tennessee football as player and coach.

BUT . . .

As a long-time Volunteer fan, I want to give Phillip Fulmer the boot.

You see, he was the one who . . .

• has gone 17-26 against ranked opponents since 2000;
• hasn't brought an SEC championship back to Rocky Top since '98;
• has been left behind by the likes of Spurrier, Richt, and Saban in the SEC;
• is presently the head of a team ranked 114th in total offense out of 120 I-A teams;
• must win out just to have a .500 season;
• is the highest paid public employee in the state for nothing more than mediocrity (a la his predecessor).

I'm still torn, but I feel it's a shame that this man who has done so much for the program is ruled by the "What-Have-You-Done-For-Us-Lately?" rule. It makes me appreciate the likes of Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden even more, for in this day and age of college football, I don't believe we'll ever see the likes of them again.

Good luck, Phil.

Not a Good Year to Be a Football Fan in the State of Washington

I was trying to think of the worst pair of major collegiate football teams from one state, so the following list easily came to mind:

• New Mexico Lobos and New Mexico State Aggies


• Mississippi Rebels and Mississippi State Bulldogs


• Clemson Tigers and South Carolina Gamecocks


• Tennessee Volunteers and Memphis Tigers (at least this year)

But, alas, this year there are two that are remaking the mold for state football futility--the Washington Huskies and the Washington State Cougars.

Here are the facts through Week 9 of the 2009 season:

Washington State Cougars:

• Have allowed more than 55 points five times in the PAC 10 this season


• Have allowed more than 300 rushing yards five times in the PAC 10 this season


• Have already set a conference mark for most points given up in a single season (350), yet there are still 3 games to go


• Are presently 1-8, with the lone victory coming against Portland State, a I-AA team

Washington Huskies:

• Are the last winless team in all of I-A football with an 0-8 mark


• Have already learned that their coach will "step down" at the end of the season


• Compiled only 35 total first-half yards and 2 first-half first downs against USC's 325 and 18, respectively, yesterday


• Actually received "pity applause" from the USC fans yesterday when they got their first first down midway through the second quarter

So, to recap, the 2 Washington football teams were outscored 114-0 yesterday.

Oh yeah--and they suck!

Beat that, other states!

P.S. By the way, as a little bit of a side note, the Seattle Seahawks are presently 2-5 (tied for second in a very weak division); the Seattle Mariners were 61-101 (second worst record in all of MLB); and the Seattle SuperSonics simply had to get out and became the Oklahoma City Thunder. I guess it's simply not a good time to be a sports fan in the state of Washington, eh?