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Recorded on 11-09-2008

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Rob's Sincerest Apologies and an Offer

OK, so it seems that I am the problem (a fact that Dan could've told me a long time ago, and, now that I think about it, probably did had I listened to him), and I am sorry. But it seems that this year--the football season of 2008-09--any team with which I am even vaguely associated is doing as poorly as any movie with Paris Hilton in it.

Here are the facts:

  • The University of Tennessee (I am a lifetime fan.): They are presently experiencing a 7-loss season, only the second in the team's history, and if they don't beat both Vanderbilt and Kentucky, they will experience their first 8-loss or even 9-loss season ever. Plus, in all 120 Div. IA schools, the Vols are presently 115th in offense. To add insult to injury, Tennessee just lost to the 120th (i.e., dead freakin' last) offensive team in the nation--Wyoming. By the way, my cousin is Phillip Fulmer's agent, so that can't help.

  • The University of Washington and Washington State University (I live in Washington.): Presently, these two schools are a combined 1-20, have been outscored 932-278, and rank as the 118th and 119th offensive teams in the nation.

  • The San Diego Chargers (I lived in San Diego for 6 years and became a big fan.): Even though most expert prognosticators believed that this was to be San Diego's year, the year they take the Super Bowl, because of their awesome defense and their balanced offense, they are presently 4-5 and struggling to win a very weak AFC West Division. In fact, the Chargers are dead last in the league in pass defense, 26th (out of 32) in total defense (in terms of total yards allowed), and 25th in offensive rushing yards gained (with LT!!!!). I blame Norv; he blames me.

  • The Seattle Seahawks (Again, for those of you not paying attention, I live in Washington.): This was to be a wonderful send-off to Coach Holmgren, possibly even making a Super Bowl run; however, they are currently 2-7, which puts them as either 2nd or last in the easiest division in football, the NFC West. They are 31st in the league in pass defense, 27th in total defense (in terms of total yards allowed), and 30th in offensive total yards gained. I blame the plethora of injuries that have decimated the team this year; Holmgren blames me.

So, allow me to offer the following to the preceding teams: I am willing to listen to any and all financial offers to sell my loyalties away from your teams. In these harsh financial times, I will eschew any sense of sports integrity I may still have and sell my fanhood to some other teams; in fact, I will allow you to pick the teams as long as the money is right. Please understand that because I am not a one-team man, I will whore myself out to as many teams as are willing to pony up the bank. Please have the money in small bills delivered to my house directly with the contract you wish me to sign in hand. Make me an offer! I am willing to listen! I'm a public school teacher, for God's sake!

I swear I'm serious! I've listed it on eBay and on Craig's List!

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Saturday, November 15, 2008

We Love Gymnastics, Too!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Philadephia Eagles' Recent Locker Room Talk

Eagles' wide receiver Hank Baskett recently became engaged to one of Hugh Hefner's three "girlfriends" from the "Girls Next Door" reality TV series--Kendra Wilkinson. Here are some overheard comments from the locker room once his teammates got wind of the situation:

  • Time for a little Hanky-Panky, eh?
  • What's it like putting the biscuit in that Baskett?
  • Which one is she? The one with the fake boobs or the stupid one?
  • Oh sh#@! Another Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo curse!
  • That wasn't very nice, Hank, stealing your great-grandpa's girlfriend and all.
  • An eagle grabs his bunny! Hello, dinner!
  • So, what's she like naked? Oh, forget it. I can see for myself!
  • Be careful, Hank! Why do you think Hef has agreed to give her away at the wedding?
  • Hank and Kendra, sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! (A classic!)
  • Can I get a copy of your sex tape for free when you guys make one and then pretend it's stolen after you sell it to some websites so that both of you then skyrocket to Hollywood fame?
  • A jock and a playmate--how completely cliche! (The kicker said this one in a rather scathingly jealous tone, methinks.)
  • Two words, Hank--Pre Nup!
  • OK, who's got the pool going for how long this will last? I've got "less than six months." Anyone else want in?

Did anyone else hear some comments? Please do share with the rest of the Sports Wannabes Nation.

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Monday, November 10, 2008

They put their pants on just like we do!

That was the classic response from Lou Holtz, past Notre Dame college football coach, when asked about his chances of beating an obviously lesser opponent.

If you've listened to the recent podcast from 11-09, you will have noted that I referred to a Dan Patrick impersonation of Lou Holtz that I found quite funny.

Well, with no further ado, click HERE to listen to Daniel wax 'Fighting Irish' poetic. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

As an added, but completely unrelated to Dan Nation bonus, I found in my searches for the Dan Patrick piece, another gem of an impersonation. The YouTube video link is HERE.

Enjoy them both!


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