Why Drinking and Sports Celebrations Don't Mix

Mascot Bloopers = FUNNY!

Funny Videos

As a fellow ex-mascot, I just couldn't resist.

The Middle Letter in "BCS" Is Unnecessary

#11 Utah (8-0) from the Mountain West Conference

• Combined winning percentage of all opponents thus far = .453
• Combined winning percentage of I-A opponents thus far = .400
• Only I-A team beaten presently with a winning record = Air Force

#12 Boise State (7-0) from the Western Athletic Conference

• Combined winning percentage of all opponents thus far = .418
• Only teams beaten presently with a winning record = Oregon St. and San Jose St.

#19 Tulsa (7-0) from Conference USA

• Combined winning percentage of all opponents thus far = .386
• Only teams beaten presently with a winning record = Central Arkansas and Rice

#20 Ball State (8-0) from the Mid-America Conference

• Combined winning percentage of all opponents thus far = .338
• I-AA teams beaten thus far = Northeastern (2-6 record)
• Only team beaten presently with a winning record = Navy

So here are my questions to accompany the preceding stats: Does anyone seriously think that any of these teams could compete in the Big XII? in the SEC? in the PAC-10? Hell, in the ACC? Wouldn't every one of these "nationally ranked" unbeaten squads be nothing more than middle-of-the-pack non-contenders in any of these real football conferences? Wouldn't a closely contested, good game for them be against a Tennessee or a Clemson, both of whom are unranked and far from getting close to winning either of their respective conferences? Wouldn't a 2-loss LSU squad or a 3-loss Kansas squad literally wipe the field with any of these posers?

Come on, BCS! Isn't it high time to get rid of your geeky computer rankings and realize that a team's conference and strength of schedule should mean so much more than they already do?

And again, isn't it high time for a playoff system?

The Republicans Hate Sports

Here's another reason not to vote for the McCain/Palin ticket this November.

(Don't ever say we here at sportswannabes aren't politically aware.)

These Just Don't Have the Same Ring

• San Francisco 48ers


• Philadelphia 75ers


• The Sweet 15


• The Final 3


• Walter Payton as good ole #33


• And Tony Dorsett as good ole #32


• The 2007-08 New England Patriots' streak of 18-0


• 1st and 9


• The Magic 7 Ball


• 98 Bottles of Beer on the Wall


• Only 100 Dalmatians (for the kids, ya know)


• The 2 Stooges or the 2 Amigos


• Hurry up! This is an emergency! Call 910!


• 8-6-7-5-3-0-8

Lesson learned? Plus 1 is always just a little bit better.

Remember that, sports wannabes!

A Little Help for Our Harmless Friend Lou Holtz

According to an article on rivals.com, "ESPN analyst Lou Holtz apologized on air Saturday for mentioning Adolf Hitler during a college football studio show the previous night.

The former Notre Dame coach referenced Hitler while making a point about good and bad leadership during a discussion of the struggles of first-year Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez.

“Last night while trying to make a point about leadership, I made an unfortunate reference,” Holtz said. “It was a mistake and I sincerely apologize.”

An ESPN spokesman said Holtz will not be further disciplined.

After Michigan lost 46-17 at Penn State, Rodriguez said he had not heard about what Holtz said. When told, he said, “What is the correlation there? I don’t know what his correlation is,” and left it at that."


So, what was grandfatherly, innocent ole Lou really trying to say with such an odd allusion? The world may never know, for I'm pretty sure Lou himself doesn't.

However, in the interest of purely sensationlistic journalism, your sports wannabes have decided to try to piece together the six-degrees of separation between Adolf Hitler and Rich Rodriguez. Here goes. (Try to follow along.)

• Adolf Hitler was the leader of Germany.
• Germany is stereotypically known for the raucous annual celebration of Octoberfest.
• Octoberfest is known for encouraging the enjoyment of beers--many, many beers.
• Beers are excellent adult beverages for roarin'-bitchin' parties!
• In 2007, The Princeton Review ranked West Virginia University as the number one party school in the entire nation.
• At the end of the 2007-08 season, a one Mr. Rich Rodriguez left WVU to become the head football coach at Michigan, which is now getting its blue-and-gold ass handed to it on the field each and every Saturday, much like what happened to Germany at the end of WWII.

I think the connection is now crystal clear for all of us. Or at least it should be.

Poor ole Lou wasn't too far off, at least in the completely illogical world of his own cerebral cavity.

If I Really Were Livin' Da Dream . . .

• Then Ultimate Frisbee would be both an Olympic and a professional sport, and I'd be a mega-star!


• Then Waterboy wouldn't be just a pathetic attempt at a movie; it would be my pathetic attempt at a vocation!


• Then I'd be on a Wheaties box!


• Then I certainly wouldn't be a Washington college football fan!


• Then I'd be mountain biking or snow skiing or white water rafting or hiking every single friggin' day!


• Then I'd be doing my snow skiing exclusively at da Wolf!


• Then I'd be doing Mountain Dew keg stands every night in the hot tub at the ski resort's lodge!


• Then I'd be sippin' amaretto sours with my pinkie in the air while watching my fantasy football team open up a few cans of shut-da-hell-up on my brothers-in-law!


• Then both Chris Berman and George Lucas would be calling me regularly to get my opinions on football and Star Wars, respectively (or not)!


• Then my custom home would include a media room with 17 wide-screen plasma hi-def TVs and the NFL package (with the extra TV set on FOX News--ya know, for my comedy of the day)!


• Then somebody on the NFL Today would finally tell Shannon Sharpe that his days are a player are well behind him (so stop talking about them), that he can't pronounce even the simplest of words, and that his attempts at sports commentary are an insult to all pseudo-broadcasters everywhere!


• Then somebody would tell Lou Holtz to get some dentures that fit!


• Then I'd be getting paid some serious bank for my insightful, humorous commentary on all things sports!


• Then the last 8 years under W.'s watch really all would have been a horrible, horrible nightmare from which I may wake up soon!

(The views expressed in this worthless little commentary are solely those of Rob Archer and do not necessarily reflect the other sports wannabes or their lucrative management team--although they certainly should since they're all completely correct and factual!)

Are We REALLY Talking about Boise State?

OK, so the Boise State Broncos beat the NCAA-football-powerhouse known as the Hawaii Warriors last night 27-7. Woo-hoo!

So, allow me for just a moment to perform a little stream-of-consciousness win-loss analysis of their schedule thus far:

• Boise State beat Hawaii
• Who beat Fresno State
• Who beat Toledo
• Who beat Michigan
• Who beat Wisconsin
• Who beat Fresno State
• Who beat Toledo
• Who beat Michigan
• Who beat Wisconsin
• Who beat Fresno State
• Etc., etc., etc.

Now, allow me for just a moment to question a team's being ranked #15 in the nation (out of 120 Div. I football programs) with the following powerhouse of a schedule:

• Idaho State
• Bowling Green
• Oregon
• LA Teach
• Southern Miss.
• Hawaii
• San Jose St.
• New Mexico St.
• Utah St.
• Idaho
• Nevada
• Fresno St.

And, as a little FYI, these teams presently have a combined W-L record of 31-42 (a .425 winning percentage)!

So, how exactly are we seriously talking about the Broncos' being a BCS-buster with that kind of schedule against those types of teams?

Isn't it high time for a playoff system?

Ours Was First!

So, to all of those faithful sports wannabes out there in cyberspace, we just wanted to toot our own horns for just a moment. Here is a website that we recently came across:

Top 10 Worst College Mascots

Now, if we're not mistaken (and we aren't, for here's the proof), we did this one first! Thus, it seems that a little organization known as "FOX Sports" has been perusing our site and has been doing a bit of what our resident English teacher likes to call "plagiarizing."

So, what exactly are we to think? What exactly are we to do? When we sue for billions, exactly whom should we pursue?

Just so we all know, sports wannabes are on the cutting edge of all that is sports, so pass us along to everyone (except for all those doo-doo heads working at FOX Sports!).

If Star Wars and Sports Were Somehow Melded into One

Star Wars . . . the greatest movie of ALL time! (Don't argue. Just accept it. You know you want to.)

Sports . . . the greatest time-consumers of all time (outside of curling and the WNBA, of course)!

Sooooooooo, why not combine the two in a moment of complete absurdity? Well, I think we will, so here goes, with exactly who should be playing some of the major roles if the space saga were to be re-done today.

• Luke Skywalker = Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys (He seems like such a cute, li'l innocent type who has to ward off the evil advances of Jerry Jones, who probably wants to be that evil second-father figure to our dashing hero.)
• Darth Vader = Stephen A. Smith of ESPN (Just because I hate him--seriously, he's both arrogant and ignorant, a perfect combination for our main villain.)
• Han Solo = Randy Moss of the New England Patriots (A bit of a rebel who likes to be on his own and who gets into a little trouble every now and then, but still the one with great talent that we wind up cheering for when he's paired up with the right team)
• Yoda = John Clayton of ESPN (Not necessarily because of his Force-like knowledge of all that is NFL, but more because of his hideous, shriveled-up looks--Disturbing!)
• Princess Leia = Natalie Gulbis of the LPGA (Just because she's HOT with a capital "smokin'!", and I'm thinking about that costume Jabba made Leia wear--le rarrrrrr!)
• Chewbacca = Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets (Not only because of his abnormal tallability, but also because of that sneer/smile and that protruding, Neanderthal-like forehead--he'd be perfect!)
• The Emperor = Vince McMahon, owner of the WWE (We even cover fake sports here at sportswannabes, much like how ESPN got their start way back in da day! And, YES, I am comparing us to ESPN, so just get on board now and be ready for the ride!)
• Jabba the Hutt = Manny Yarbrough of sumo wrestling fame (Hey, c'mon! The sports wannabes are truly all inclusive in our sports knowledge! What did ya expect?)
• Obi Wan Kenobi = Brett Favre of the Green Bay . . . oops! . . . of the New York Jets (A little older, a little wiser, and still able to kick a little ass when needs be! You'd best listen to the master!)
• All the Ewoks = Spud Webb of the 1980s Atlanta Hawks (Yea, we're going way back on this one, but dammit! he was just so cute and cuddly while winning that Slam Dunk Contest!)

Others we've forgotten? Please share!

Exclusive Video of Harvick-Edwards Fight!

For all of you NASCAR fans out there, your sports wannabes have obtained an exclusive video of the actual physical fight between Kevin Harvick and Carl Edwards from a few days ago! Please note that you will find this video nowhere else but here--not ESPN, not CBS Sports, not CNN SI, not even FOX News!

We are/should be your number one source of all things sports! Forget those other sports websites! They're obviously posers, or else they would have gotten the scoop on this story! But they didn't, and WE did! They're obviously the true sports wannabes, and the sports wannabes are the real deal (while still being sports wannabes)!

Thus, right now, before you forget about it, delete those "other" sports websites from both your "Favorites" list and your computer's "History." And put us where we rightfully belong--as the one and only site for your sports information needs!

Oh yeah. Here's the video.

Enjoy.

The Beatitudes and Sports--Your Daily Lesson in God

Again, for your thinking pleasure (most certainly an oxymoron for true sports wannabes everywhere), we present the far-too-obvious relationship between religion and sports figures. This time, we'll go with a rather popular religion nowadays--the Big C, Christianity.

The text of St. Matthew (5:3-10) runs as follows:

• Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.



• Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the land.



• Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.



• Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice, for they shall have their fill.



• Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.



• Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God.



• Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.



• Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

A Purely Mathematical Viewpoint

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you. If . . .

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then

D-O-D-G-E-R-S = 4+15+4+7+5+18+19 = 72%

and

P-H-I-L-L-I-E-S = 16+8+9+12+12+9+5+19 = 90%

and

R-A-Y-S = 18+1+25+19 = 63%

and

R-E-D-S-O-X = 18+5+4+19+15+24 = 85%

THUS . . . . . ..

Advantage in the NLCS goes to the Phillies, and in the ALCS to the Red Sox.

In the end, you can put your entire life savings on the Phillies to win it all.

It's mathematical. I swear.

Marching Band and Hazing? When Will the Insanity End?

FYI:


(Source: rivals.com)


Wisconsin band suspended for hazing



MADISON, Wis. (AP)—The University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely while allegations of hazing, alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct are investigated.

The band won’t play Saturday during a nationally televised football game between the No. 18 Badgers and No. 14 Ohio State at Camp Randall Stadium.

The university made the announcement at a hastily called news conference Friday night, saying the behavior is consistent with conduct that put the band on probation in 2006.

Mike Leckrone, band director since 1969, said he made the decision and it was the first time in his tenure the entire band has ever been suspended and prevented from playing at a game.


So, like, this one time, like, at band camp, I, like, . . . . . .

Seriously, what could marching band members be doing that would constitute as "hazing"? Here are my thoughts:

• Males actually brushing up (accidentally, mind you) against a female band member's rear end
• Making the newbies play the theme song to "Gilligan's Island" for 12 straight hours while wearing their silly band hats the whole time
• Doing keg stands with Starbuck's frappucinos
• Using their flutes "inappropriately" (e.g., like General Grievous and his 4 light sabers, like King Arthur's knights fighting with their silver swords, like a Dungeons and Dragons grand wizard casting the spells over all of the evil kingdom, and the like.)
• Getting into the formation of a huge, football-field-sized phallus in front of their 82-year-old, bow-tie-wearing band director
• Filling all the tubas with Mountain Dew, throwing Baby Ruth candy bars into them, and pretending that their huge toilets
• Playing the wrong notes . . . on purpose!
• Dropping their music sheets all at the same time as their band director cries, "Ready!"
• Teasing the flag girls for being so damn worthless

Shame on you, band geeks! You have tarnished the angelic image of band members everywhere, not to mention the solid musical reputation of the University of Wisconsin Badgers!

The Wisdom of Taoism

Taoism--a mystical, ancient Chinese religion/philosophy founded by Lao Tzu. Here are some of his most famous insights, followed by a click to a link that will show you who in the world of sports would be wise to listen to Master Tzu. See if you can guess before you click!

1. "Those who know do not speak, those who speak, do not know." >> A

2. "By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning." >> B

3. "He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." >> C

4. "He who knows he has enough is rich.">> D

5. “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”>> E

6. "Everything difficult must be dealt with while it is still easy." >> F

7. "Usefulness is to be found in non-existence." >> G or H

8. "There is no greater disaster than to underestimate your enemy." >> I

9. "Who can (make) the muddy water (clear)? Let it be still, and it will gradually become clear." >> J

10. "So, in their beautiful array, things form and never know decay." >> K

How much is $700 billion, really?

As our government contemplates bailing out the mortgage industry, it got me thinking. Not so much what will the government do with the money, rather what would I do with the money. That seems like a lot of money, $700 billion......WOW! We really don't realize how much that is. Think about this.

Let's say I hop on Ebay and buy the following:

1931 Bugatti Royale Kellner Coupe (the most expensive car in the world)
Tiger Woods
Warren Buffet
Michael Jordan
Bill Gates
A Stealth Bombers
A Shuttle Launch
Every NFL Team
Every MLB Team
Every NBA Team
Every NHL Team
and Disney (which owns ESPN)

When I go to my PayPal account, I will see a grand total of

$222,691,700,000

I still have a whopping $477,308,300,000 left on my US Governmental Gift Card.

I'll just buy a Brett Favre NY Jets Jersey ($79.55) for EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, literally!!!

What $700 Billion Would Be Good For

In the midst of our government's recent discovery of $700 billion just lying around in a back closet of the White House in order to bail out Wall Street mega-tycoons, I've decided to list what I believe to be better uses of that kind of cashola. Here they are:

• Buy a brand new sports complex for every pro team in the four major professional sports--football (32), basketball (30), baseball (30), and hockey (30). Hell, Lucas Oil Stadium, the new home for the Indianapolis Colts, cost a meager $720 million, so I'm sure we could swing a new nice complex for everyone else, right?
• Purchase the Dallas Cowboys, the Dallas Mavericks, the Oakland Raiders, and the New York Yankees just so that we could get those 4 owners (Jerry Jones, Mark Cuban, Al Davis, and George Steibrenner, respectively) to go away. Forever.
• Give referee Ed Hochuli and his entire extended family a lifetime witness protection program, complete with nice homes and full-time security guards.
• Hire both Urban Meyer and Nick Saban to coach Tennessee football for life (or at least to pay them off to get them out of the SEC forever).
• Give the whole kit and kaboodle, every bloody cent to Terrell Owens if he would just shut the hell up once and for all and go away. Forever! (It would be well worth it to me.)

Any other ideas?