Rob's Sincerest Apologies and an Offer

OK, so it seems that I am the problem (a fact that Dan could've told me a long time ago, and, now that I think about it, probably did had I listened to him), and I am sorry. But it seems that this year--the football season of 2008-09--any team with which I am even vaguely associated is doing as poorly as any movie with Paris Hilton in it.

Here are the facts:

• The University of Tennessee (I am a lifetime fan.): They are presently experiencing a 7-loss season, only the second in the team's history, and if they don't beat both Vanderbilt and Kentucky, they will experience their first 8-loss or even 9-loss season ever. Plus, in all 120 Div. IA schools, the Vols are presently 115th in offense. To add insult to injury, Tennessee just lost to the 120th (i.e., dead freakin' last) offensive team in the nation--Wyoming. By the way, my cousin is Phillip Fulmer's agent, so that can't help.


• The University of Washington and Washington State University (I live in Washington.): Presently, these two schools are a combined 1-20, have been outscored 932-278, and rank as the 118th and 119th offensive teams in the nation.


• The San Diego Chargers (I lived in San Diego for 6 years and became a big fan.): Even though most expert prognosticators believed that this was to be San Diego's year, the year they take the Super Bowl, because of their awesome defense and their balanced offense, they are presently 4-5 and struggling to win a very weak AFC West Division. In fact, the Chargers are dead last in the league in pass defense, 26th (out of 32) in total defense (in terms of total yards allowed), and 25th in offensive rushing yards gained (with LT!!!!). I blame Norv; he blames me.


• The Seattle Seahawks (Again, for those of you not paying attention, I live in Washington.): This was to be a wonderful send-off to Coach Holmgren, possibly even making a Super Bowl run; however, they are currently 2-7, which puts them as either 2nd or last in the easiest division in football, the NFC West. They are 31st in the league in pass defense, 27th in total defense (in terms of total yards allowed), and 30th in offensive total yards gained. I blame the plethora of injuries that have decimated the team this year; Holmgren blames me.

So, allow me to offer the following to the preceding teams: I am willing to listen to any and all financial offers to sell my loyalties away from your teams. In these harsh financial times, I will eschew any sense of sports integrity I may still have and sell my fanhood to some other teams; in fact, I will allow you to pick the teams as long as the money is right. Please understand that because I am not a one-team man, I will whore myself out to as many teams as are willing to pony up the bank. Please have the money in small bills delivered to my house directly with the contract you wish me to sign in hand. Make me an offer! I am willing to listen! I'm a public school teacher, for God's sake!

I swear I'm serious! I've listed it on eBay and on Craig's List!

We Love Gymnastics, Too!

Philadephia Eagles' Recent Locker Room Talk

Eagles' wide receiver Hank Baskett recently became engaged to one of Hugh Hefner's three "girlfriends" from the "Girls Next Door" reality TV series--Kendra Wilkinson. Here are some overheard comments from the locker room once his teammates got wind of the situation:

• Time for a little Hanky-Panky, eh?
• What's it like putting the biscuit in that Baskett?
• Which one is she? The one with the fake boobs or the stupid one?
• Oh sh#@! Another Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo curse!
• That wasn't very nice, Hank, stealing your great-grandpa's girlfriend and all.
• An eagle grabs his bunny! Hello, dinner!
• So, what's she like naked? Oh, forget it. I can see for myself!
• Be careful, Hank! Why do you think Hef has agreed to give her away at the wedding?
• Hank and Kendra, sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! (A classic!)
• Can I get a copy of your sex tape for free when you guys make one and then pretend it's stolen after you sell it to some websites so that both of you then skyrocket to Hollywood fame?
• A jock and a playmate--how completely cliche! (The kicker said this one in a rather scathingly jealous tone, methinks.)
• Two words, Hank--Pre Nup!
• OK, who's got the pool going for how long this will last? I've got "less than six months." Anyone else want in?

Did anyone else hear some comments? Please do share with the rest of the Sports Wannabes Nation.

They put their pants on just like we do!

That was the classic response from Lou Holtz, past Notre Dame college football coach, when asked about his chances of beating an obviously lesser opponent.

If you've listened to the recent podcast from 11-09, you will have noted that I referred to a Dan Patrick impersonation of Lou Holtz that I found quite funny.

Well, with no further ado, click HERE to listen to Daniel wax 'Fighting Irish' poetic. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

As an added, but completely unrelated to Dan Nation bonus, I found in my searches for the Dan Patrick piece, another gem of an impersonation. The YouTube video link is HERE.

Enjoy them both!

Drew

5 Things That Chap My A@@ (in no particular order)

I will get right to the point. Enjoy!


1 Shannon Sharpe - PLEASE learn how to enunciate without
drooling before you even attempt to try to explain what happened during the 1st half of the Pats/Bills game. Even Lou Holtz is saying "what did he jus thay?"


2 The MTL (More Taste League) commercials by Miller Lite - Please don't tell me that the executives at the Miller Brewing Company got together and said "THAT'S a brilliant marketing scheme designed to draw in the moronic beerdrinkers of the world."IT WORKED!!!! I guess it's a Fantasy Beer League. Also, John C. McGinley (Commissioner), fire your agent.

3 Teams 3-10 in the BCS - REfreakingLAX. It's a long season. Let's not
have a coronary because you are not in the top 2 with a month left.
We all know you beat so-and-so, who beat so-and-so, who lost by 70 to so-and-so. We know YOUR conference is the best and all the others are having a "down" year. It'll all work out how it works out. That's what December is for. It gives a whole month to bitch and complain (justifiably) about how the system is flawed and we need SOMEkind of a playoff. That is not in dispute. Let us (I mean us NON-TOP 10 teams) enjoy whats left of our disappointing season. We will have plenty of time to play this game.

4 Yankee/Red Sox Fans - SHUT UP! Let others play.
Don't be the sore loser on the playground who lost and now you have to reluctantly give the court. Step aside and wait your turn. You are NOT the only one out there. You WILL get your chance again soon. Play Nice!!

5 Miley Cyrus - I Just Don't Like You!

Lose the 'tude!

The Worthlessness of College Cheerleaders

I will seek absolution later for what I'm about to do in this blog now, but this three-year college cheerleader letterman (via my awesome mascotting skills) is about to disparage the entity known as college cheerleaders. Hypocrisy? Perhaps. Nonetheless, it needs to be said.

First, a few disclaimers:

1. I'm not talking about professional cheerleaders. Their entire purpose on this planet (and this is certainly no secret to anyone who is breathing at this present moment) is to be sugary-sweet eye candy to a bunch of beer-swiggin' buffoons both in the stands and on their couches. Talentless, yes, but they're not hired for their talent. They're paid for their looks, their bods, and their willingness to wear next-ta-nuttin' for several hours a week in front of thousands of people (i.e., "libido apes").


2. Mascots are still very valuable. They still deserve a great deal of credit. In fact, they are the best part of some of the teams this year (I'm looking at you, Notre Dame Fighting Irish Leprechaun Dude!). Therefore, they are not included in my little rant.

Now that that's out of the way, I wish to do my disparaging.

1. Formulaic cheers--When was the last time you heard a cheerleading squad start one of their cutesy, learned-this-one-at-summer-cheer-camp cheers, complete with their stilted movements, and that cheer immediately became an uproarious crowd sensation, shaking the very foundation of the stadium itself and putting fear into the other team's players? I'll answer that one myself--never! The only cheers that work are the ones that fans start and the cheerleaders leech onto as if they are the ones "leading" that cheer.
2. Formulaic stunts--What's the point? Seriously, are you trying to prove that with certain movements, you are "athletes"? Just because a 200-pound male cheerleader (i.e., a dude who played 3rd-string football in high school and couldn't even get close to making the cut in college) can toss a 90-pound female cheerleader (i.e., a cupey-doll waif of a human being whose make-up bag weighs more than she does) in the air, what does that prove? Again, I'll field that one myself--nothing!
3. Formulaic dances--If you're particularly sensual in shakin' your perfectly sculpted booty to the delight of every drop of testosterone within a 100-mile radius, then where should you be? Correct! On the school's dance team (i.e., the minor league farm system of professional cheerleading), not on the cheer squad. Thus, those 90-second dance routines you worked on for the past month and a half and that you're presently trying to pull off in front of a crowd are more awkward to watch than a 6th grade co-ed dance. Don't--just don't.

Anyway, I know that I have just condemned my soul to ex-cheerleader perdition for all of eternity, but I felt that the Truth was greater than my own soul. It simply needed to be said.

Now, it's simply time for the collegiate cheerleading squad to realize it has overstayed its welcome and to go the way of the American female beauty pageant, Vanilla Ice, Thanksgiving fruit cakes, and Sarah Palin (I can dream!)--and that way is A-WAY. Forever.

I'm Torn.

As a long-time Volunteer fan, I want to give Phillip Fulmer another chance.


You see, he was the one who . . .

• brought Tennessee back to national prominence after years of Johnny Majors' mediocrity,
• brought a national title to Rocky Top,
• was 45-5 from 1995-98 with 2 SEC championships,
• took his team to the SEC championship 5 times in the last 11 years (more than any other team in the SEC over that stretch),
• ran a clean program for the entire 17 years he was there,
• dedicated 30 years of his life to Tennessee football as player and coach.

BUT . . .

As a long-time Volunteer fan, I want to give Phillip Fulmer the boot.

You see, he was the one who . . .

• has gone 17-26 against ranked opponents since 2000;
• hasn't brought an SEC championship back to Rocky Top since '98;
• has been left behind by the likes of Spurrier, Richt, and Saban in the SEC;
• is presently the head of a team ranked 114th in total offense out of 120 I-A teams;
• must win out just to have a .500 season;
• is the highest paid public employee in the state for nothing more than mediocrity (a la his predecessor).

I'm still torn, but I feel it's a shame that this man who has done so much for the program is ruled by the "What-Have-You-Done-For-Us-Lately?" rule. It makes me appreciate the likes of Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden even more, for in this day and age of college football, I don't believe we'll ever see the likes of them again.

Good luck, Phil.

Not a Good Year to Be a Football Fan in the State of Washington

I was trying to think of the worst pair of major collegiate football teams from one state, so the following list easily came to mind:

• New Mexico Lobos and New Mexico State Aggies


• Mississippi Rebels and Mississippi State Bulldogs


• Clemson Tigers and South Carolina Gamecocks


• Tennessee Volunteers and Memphis Tigers (at least this year)

But, alas, this year there are two that are remaking the mold for state football futility--the Washington Huskies and the Washington State Cougars.

Here are the facts through Week 9 of the 2009 season:

Washington State Cougars:

• Have allowed more than 55 points five times in the PAC 10 this season


• Have allowed more than 300 rushing yards five times in the PAC 10 this season


• Have already set a conference mark for most points given up in a single season (350), yet there are still 3 games to go


• Are presently 1-8, with the lone victory coming against Portland State, a I-AA team

Washington Huskies:

• Are the last winless team in all of I-A football with an 0-8 mark


• Have already learned that their coach will "step down" at the end of the season


• Compiled only 35 total first-half yards and 2 first-half first downs against USC's 325 and 18, respectively, yesterday


• Actually received "pity applause" from the USC fans yesterday when they got their first first down midway through the second quarter

So, to recap, the 2 Washington football teams were outscored 114-0 yesterday.

Oh yeah--and they suck!

Beat that, other states!

P.S. By the way, as a little bit of a side note, the Seattle Seahawks are presently 2-5 (tied for second in a very weak division); the Seattle Mariners were 61-101 (second worst record in all of MLB); and the Seattle SuperSonics simply had to get out and became the Oklahoma City Thunder. I guess it's simply not a good time to be a sports fan in the state of Washington, eh?

A True Sportsman or a Complete Loser?

FYI:

(Source: abcnews.com)

Feather Gloves and an Iron Heart
After 256 Losses in 19 Years, Peter Buckley Won His Final Bout

Nov. 1, 2008
RSS Boxer Peter Buckley is not exactly a boxing champion, but do not tell him that.

The fighter from Birmingham, England, won the last fight of his career Friday -- a rare feat for a man who has lost 256 of his 300 fights, but one that is oddly an appropriate end to a journey that was a battle all the way.

Buckley told "Good Morning America" that he doesn't know why he kept fighting for so long.

"I don't know exactly myself, but I love boxing," he said. "I've always loved fighting."

Despite his less-than-stellar record, the Birmingham bloke has never been knocked out.

"I've been stopped, but I've always ended up on my feet," he said. "Suppose I got a good chin. Got good defensive skills and plenty of heart."

For everyone that feels the urge to call Buckley a loser, though, he has a message:

"Them people don't know me, right?" he said. "They never met me, never spoke to me. They don't know what I'm about. They can't say I'm a winner [or] loser. But you find out if you are a real man once you get in those square ropes."

<>

So, sports wannabes, what do you think? Is this dude a true sportsman or a complete loser? We'll take your comments, compile them into an aggregated spreadsheet, and then do nothing with them, so be sure to leave your thoughts below.

Why Drinking and Sports Celebrations Don't Mix

Mascot Bloopers = FUNNY!

Funny Videos

As a fellow ex-mascot, I just couldn't resist.

The Middle Letter in "BCS" Is Unnecessary

#11 Utah (8-0) from the Mountain West Conference

• Combined winning percentage of all opponents thus far = .453
• Combined winning percentage of I-A opponents thus far = .400
• Only I-A team beaten presently with a winning record = Air Force

#12 Boise State (7-0) from the Western Athletic Conference

• Combined winning percentage of all opponents thus far = .418
• Only teams beaten presently with a winning record = Oregon St. and San Jose St.

#19 Tulsa (7-0) from Conference USA

• Combined winning percentage of all opponents thus far = .386
• Only teams beaten presently with a winning record = Central Arkansas and Rice

#20 Ball State (8-0) from the Mid-America Conference

• Combined winning percentage of all opponents thus far = .338
• I-AA teams beaten thus far = Northeastern (2-6 record)
• Only team beaten presently with a winning record = Navy

So here are my questions to accompany the preceding stats: Does anyone seriously think that any of these teams could compete in the Big XII? in the SEC? in the PAC-10? Hell, in the ACC? Wouldn't every one of these "nationally ranked" unbeaten squads be nothing more than middle-of-the-pack non-contenders in any of these real football conferences? Wouldn't a closely contested, good game for them be against a Tennessee or a Clemson, both of whom are unranked and far from getting close to winning either of their respective conferences? Wouldn't a 2-loss LSU squad or a 3-loss Kansas squad literally wipe the field with any of these posers?

Come on, BCS! Isn't it high time to get rid of your geeky computer rankings and realize that a team's conference and strength of schedule should mean so much more than they already do?

And again, isn't it high time for a playoff system?

The Republicans Hate Sports

Here's another reason not to vote for the McCain/Palin ticket this November.

(Don't ever say we here at sportswannabes aren't politically aware.)

These Just Don't Have the Same Ring

• San Francisco 48ers


• Philadelphia 75ers


• The Sweet 15


• The Final 3


• Walter Payton as good ole #33


• And Tony Dorsett as good ole #32


• The 2007-08 New England Patriots' streak of 18-0


• 1st and 9


• The Magic 7 Ball


• 98 Bottles of Beer on the Wall


• Only 100 Dalmatians (for the kids, ya know)


• The 2 Stooges or the 2 Amigos


• Hurry up! This is an emergency! Call 910!


• 8-6-7-5-3-0-8

Lesson learned? Plus 1 is always just a little bit better.

Remember that, sports wannabes!

A Little Help for Our Harmless Friend Lou Holtz

According to an article on rivals.com, "ESPN analyst Lou Holtz apologized on air Saturday for mentioning Adolf Hitler during a college football studio show the previous night.

The former Notre Dame coach referenced Hitler while making a point about good and bad leadership during a discussion of the struggles of first-year Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez.

“Last night while trying to make a point about leadership, I made an unfortunate reference,” Holtz said. “It was a mistake and I sincerely apologize.”

An ESPN spokesman said Holtz will not be further disciplined.

After Michigan lost 46-17 at Penn State, Rodriguez said he had not heard about what Holtz said. When told, he said, “What is the correlation there? I don’t know what his correlation is,” and left it at that."


So, what was grandfatherly, innocent ole Lou really trying to say with such an odd allusion? The world may never know, for I'm pretty sure Lou himself doesn't.

However, in the interest of purely sensationlistic journalism, your sports wannabes have decided to try to piece together the six-degrees of separation between Adolf Hitler and Rich Rodriguez. Here goes. (Try to follow along.)

• Adolf Hitler was the leader of Germany.
• Germany is stereotypically known for the raucous annual celebration of Octoberfest.
• Octoberfest is known for encouraging the enjoyment of beers--many, many beers.
• Beers are excellent adult beverages for roarin'-bitchin' parties!
• In 2007, The Princeton Review ranked West Virginia University as the number one party school in the entire nation.
• At the end of the 2007-08 season, a one Mr. Rich Rodriguez left WVU to become the head football coach at Michigan, which is now getting its blue-and-gold ass handed to it on the field each and every Saturday, much like what happened to Germany at the end of WWII.

I think the connection is now crystal clear for all of us. Or at least it should be.

Poor ole Lou wasn't too far off, at least in the completely illogical world of his own cerebral cavity.

If I Really Were Livin' Da Dream . . .

• Then Ultimate Frisbee would be both an Olympic and a professional sport, and I'd be a mega-star!


• Then Waterboy wouldn't be just a pathetic attempt at a movie; it would be my pathetic attempt at a vocation!


• Then I'd be on a Wheaties box!


• Then I certainly wouldn't be a Washington college football fan!


• Then I'd be mountain biking or snow skiing or white water rafting or hiking every single friggin' day!


• Then I'd be doing my snow skiing exclusively at da Wolf!


• Then I'd be doing Mountain Dew keg stands every night in the hot tub at the ski resort's lodge!


• Then I'd be sippin' amaretto sours with my pinkie in the air while watching my fantasy football team open up a few cans of shut-da-hell-up on my brothers-in-law!


• Then both Chris Berman and George Lucas would be calling me regularly to get my opinions on football and Star Wars, respectively (or not)!


• Then my custom home would include a media room with 17 wide-screen plasma hi-def TVs and the NFL package (with the extra TV set on FOX News--ya know, for my comedy of the day)!


• Then somebody on the NFL Today would finally tell Shannon Sharpe that his days are a player are well behind him (so stop talking about them), that he can't pronounce even the simplest of words, and that his attempts at sports commentary are an insult to all pseudo-broadcasters everywhere!


• Then somebody would tell Lou Holtz to get some dentures that fit!


• Then I'd be getting paid some serious bank for my insightful, humorous commentary on all things sports!


• Then the last 8 years under W.'s watch really all would have been a horrible, horrible nightmare from which I may wake up soon!

(The views expressed in this worthless little commentary are solely those of Rob Archer and do not necessarily reflect the other sports wannabes or their lucrative management team--although they certainly should since they're all completely correct and factual!)

Are We REALLY Talking about Boise State?

OK, so the Boise State Broncos beat the NCAA-football-powerhouse known as the Hawaii Warriors last night 27-7. Woo-hoo!

So, allow me for just a moment to perform a little stream-of-consciousness win-loss analysis of their schedule thus far:

• Boise State beat Hawaii
• Who beat Fresno State
• Who beat Toledo
• Who beat Michigan
• Who beat Wisconsin
• Who beat Fresno State
• Who beat Toledo
• Who beat Michigan
• Who beat Wisconsin
• Who beat Fresno State
• Etc., etc., etc.

Now, allow me for just a moment to question a team's being ranked #15 in the nation (out of 120 Div. I football programs) with the following powerhouse of a schedule:

• Idaho State
• Bowling Green
• Oregon
• LA Teach
• Southern Miss.
• Hawaii
• San Jose St.
• New Mexico St.
• Utah St.
• Idaho
• Nevada
• Fresno St.

And, as a little FYI, these teams presently have a combined W-L record of 31-42 (a .425 winning percentage)!

So, how exactly are we seriously talking about the Broncos' being a BCS-buster with that kind of schedule against those types of teams?

Isn't it high time for a playoff system?

Ours Was First!

So, to all of those faithful sports wannabes out there in cyberspace, we just wanted to toot our own horns for just a moment. Here is a website that we recently came across:

Top 10 Worst College Mascots

Now, if we're not mistaken (and we aren't, for here's the proof), we did this one first! Thus, it seems that a little organization known as "FOX Sports" has been perusing our site and has been doing a bit of what our resident English teacher likes to call "plagiarizing."

So, what exactly are we to think? What exactly are we to do? When we sue for billions, exactly whom should we pursue?

Just so we all know, sports wannabes are on the cutting edge of all that is sports, so pass us along to everyone (except for all those doo-doo heads working at FOX Sports!).

If Star Wars and Sports Were Somehow Melded into One

Star Wars . . . the greatest movie of ALL time! (Don't argue. Just accept it. You know you want to.)

Sports . . . the greatest time-consumers of all time (outside of curling and the WNBA, of course)!

Sooooooooo, why not combine the two in a moment of complete absurdity? Well, I think we will, so here goes, with exactly who should be playing some of the major roles if the space saga were to be re-done today.

• Luke Skywalker = Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys (He seems like such a cute, li'l innocent type who has to ward off the evil advances of Jerry Jones, who probably wants to be that evil second-father figure to our dashing hero.)
• Darth Vader = Stephen A. Smith of ESPN (Just because I hate him--seriously, he's both arrogant and ignorant, a perfect combination for our main villain.)
• Han Solo = Randy Moss of the New England Patriots (A bit of a rebel who likes to be on his own and who gets into a little trouble every now and then, but still the one with great talent that we wind up cheering for when he's paired up with the right team)
• Yoda = John Clayton of ESPN (Not necessarily because of his Force-like knowledge of all that is NFL, but more because of his hideous, shriveled-up looks--Disturbing!)
• Princess Leia = Natalie Gulbis of the LPGA (Just because she's HOT with a capital "smokin'!", and I'm thinking about that costume Jabba made Leia wear--le rarrrrrr!)
• Chewbacca = Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets (Not only because of his abnormal tallability, but also because of that sneer/smile and that protruding, Neanderthal-like forehead--he'd be perfect!)
• The Emperor = Vince McMahon, owner of the WWE (We even cover fake sports here at sportswannabes, much like how ESPN got their start way back in da day! And, YES, I am comparing us to ESPN, so just get on board now and be ready for the ride!)
• Jabba the Hutt = Manny Yarbrough of sumo wrestling fame (Hey, c'mon! The sports wannabes are truly all inclusive in our sports knowledge! What did ya expect?)
• Obi Wan Kenobi = Brett Favre of the Green Bay . . . oops! . . . of the New York Jets (A little older, a little wiser, and still able to kick a little ass when needs be! You'd best listen to the master!)
• All the Ewoks = Spud Webb of the 1980s Atlanta Hawks (Yea, we're going way back on this one, but dammit! he was just so cute and cuddly while winning that Slam Dunk Contest!)

Others we've forgotten? Please share!

Exclusive Video of Harvick-Edwards Fight!

For all of you NASCAR fans out there, your sports wannabes have obtained an exclusive video of the actual physical fight between Kevin Harvick and Carl Edwards from a few days ago! Please note that you will find this video nowhere else but here--not ESPN, not CBS Sports, not CNN SI, not even FOX News!

We are/should be your number one source of all things sports! Forget those other sports websites! They're obviously posers, or else they would have gotten the scoop on this story! But they didn't, and WE did! They're obviously the true sports wannabes, and the sports wannabes are the real deal (while still being sports wannabes)!

Thus, right now, before you forget about it, delete those "other" sports websites from both your "Favorites" list and your computer's "History." And put us where we rightfully belong--as the one and only site for your sports information needs!

Oh yeah. Here's the video.

Enjoy.

The Beatitudes and Sports--Your Daily Lesson in God

Again, for your thinking pleasure (most certainly an oxymoron for true sports wannabes everywhere), we present the far-too-obvious relationship between religion and sports figures. This time, we'll go with a rather popular religion nowadays--the Big C, Christianity.

The text of St. Matthew (5:3-10) runs as follows:

• Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.



• Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the land.



• Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.



• Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice, for they shall have their fill.



• Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.



• Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God.



• Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.



• Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

A Purely Mathematical Viewpoint

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you. If . . .

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then

D-O-D-G-E-R-S = 4+15+4+7+5+18+19 = 72%

and

P-H-I-L-L-I-E-S = 16+8+9+12+12+9+5+19 = 90%

and

R-A-Y-S = 18+1+25+19 = 63%

and

R-E-D-S-O-X = 18+5+4+19+15+24 = 85%

THUS . . . . . ..

Advantage in the NLCS goes to the Phillies, and in the ALCS to the Red Sox.

In the end, you can put your entire life savings on the Phillies to win it all.

It's mathematical. I swear.

Marching Band and Hazing? When Will the Insanity End?

FYI:


(Source: rivals.com)


Wisconsin band suspended for hazing



MADISON, Wis. (AP)—The University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely while allegations of hazing, alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct are investigated.

The band won’t play Saturday during a nationally televised football game between the No. 18 Badgers and No. 14 Ohio State at Camp Randall Stadium.

The university made the announcement at a hastily called news conference Friday night, saying the behavior is consistent with conduct that put the band on probation in 2006.

Mike Leckrone, band director since 1969, said he made the decision and it was the first time in his tenure the entire band has ever been suspended and prevented from playing at a game.


So, like, this one time, like, at band camp, I, like, . . . . . .

Seriously, what could marching band members be doing that would constitute as "hazing"? Here are my thoughts:

• Males actually brushing up (accidentally, mind you) against a female band member's rear end
• Making the newbies play the theme song to "Gilligan's Island" for 12 straight hours while wearing their silly band hats the whole time
• Doing keg stands with Starbuck's frappucinos
• Using their flutes "inappropriately" (e.g., like General Grievous and his 4 light sabers, like King Arthur's knights fighting with their silver swords, like a Dungeons and Dragons grand wizard casting the spells over all of the evil kingdom, and the like.)
• Getting into the formation of a huge, football-field-sized phallus in front of their 82-year-old, bow-tie-wearing band director
• Filling all the tubas with Mountain Dew, throwing Baby Ruth candy bars into them, and pretending that their huge toilets
• Playing the wrong notes . . . on purpose!
• Dropping their music sheets all at the same time as their band director cries, "Ready!"
• Teasing the flag girls for being so damn worthless

Shame on you, band geeks! You have tarnished the angelic image of band members everywhere, not to mention the solid musical reputation of the University of Wisconsin Badgers!

The Wisdom of Taoism

Taoism--a mystical, ancient Chinese religion/philosophy founded by Lao Tzu. Here are some of his most famous insights, followed by a click to a link that will show you who in the world of sports would be wise to listen to Master Tzu. See if you can guess before you click!

1. "Those who know do not speak, those who speak, do not know." >> A

2. "By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning." >> B

3. "He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." >> C

4. "He who knows he has enough is rich.">> D

5. “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”>> E

6. "Everything difficult must be dealt with while it is still easy." >> F

7. "Usefulness is to be found in non-existence." >> G or H

8. "There is no greater disaster than to underestimate your enemy." >> I

9. "Who can (make) the muddy water (clear)? Let it be still, and it will gradually become clear." >> J

10. "So, in their beautiful array, things form and never know decay." >> K

How much is $700 billion, really?

As our government contemplates bailing out the mortgage industry, it got me thinking. Not so much what will the government do with the money, rather what would I do with the money. That seems like a lot of money, $700 billion......WOW! We really don't realize how much that is. Think about this.

Let's say I hop on Ebay and buy the following:

1931 Bugatti Royale Kellner Coupe (the most expensive car in the world)
Tiger Woods
Warren Buffet
Michael Jordan
Bill Gates
A Stealth Bombers
A Shuttle Launch
Every NFL Team
Every MLB Team
Every NBA Team
Every NHL Team
and Disney (which owns ESPN)

When I go to my PayPal account, I will see a grand total of

$222,691,700,000

I still have a whopping $477,308,300,000 left on my US Governmental Gift Card.

I'll just buy a Brett Favre NY Jets Jersey ($79.55) for EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, literally!!!

What $700 Billion Would Be Good For

In the midst of our government's recent discovery of $700 billion just lying around in a back closet of the White House in order to bail out Wall Street mega-tycoons, I've decided to list what I believe to be better uses of that kind of cashola. Here they are:

• Buy a brand new sports complex for every pro team in the four major professional sports--football (32), basketball (30), baseball (30), and hockey (30). Hell, Lucas Oil Stadium, the new home for the Indianapolis Colts, cost a meager $720 million, so I'm sure we could swing a new nice complex for everyone else, right?
• Purchase the Dallas Cowboys, the Dallas Mavericks, the Oakland Raiders, and the New York Yankees just so that we could get those 4 owners (Jerry Jones, Mark Cuban, Al Davis, and George Steibrenner, respectively) to go away. Forever.
• Give referee Ed Hochuli and his entire extended family a lifetime witness protection program, complete with nice homes and full-time security guards.
• Hire both Urban Meyer and Nick Saban to coach Tennessee football for life (or at least to pay them off to get them out of the SEC forever).
• Give the whole kit and kaboodle, every bloody cent to Terrell Owens if he would just shut the hell up once and for all and go away. Forever! (It would be well worth it to me.)

Any other ideas?

Know When to Say When

Cases in point:

• Michael Jordan as a Washington Wizard?
• Joe Montana as a Kansas City Chief?
• Reggie White as a Carolina Panther?
• Emmitt Smith as an Arizona Cardinal?
• Brett Favre as a New York Jet?
• Reggie Jackson as a California Angel?
• Rickey Henderson as a Newark Bear?
• George Foreman as a grill spokesman?

Do any of these really work? Are any of these how we will remember the greats?

And now Lance Armstrong--THE Lance Armstrong--wants to race again? C'mon, Lance! Don't tarnish your 7-in-a-row dominance by attempting to make a cycling comeback! Let us all remember you as "great," not as a mediocre "has-been."

Parity Smarity

Give me a Freakin break. I am so sick (and tired) of hearing about parity in college football, especially in the SEC. Based on what I am seeing this year, you can'y be serious. Don't go there..........no, let's go there!!!

OK, Ole Miss even being in the game with Florida is a disgrace. That game "should" have been a blow out.....oh wait a minute (little Dan on my shoulders whispers to me ""Parity") Obviously the Rebels have reached the pinnacle of college football and can now compete, on the road in the swamp, mind you, with Heisman (He coached at Clemson, by the way) Trophy winner Timothy the Great. People will call this an upset, BUT WAIT, if parity in the SEC exists, is this really an upset.....hmmmmmm.

Next, Vandy in the Top 25.......please don't make me address this. The last time the Commodores were in the Top 25, it was in 1978 with the hit Three Times a Lady. They are about as successful at football as NICOLE Richie is at acting.

Mississippi State, the other Bulldog. They must be good. They battled the other Tiger (Auburn)for 60 fascinating minutes, only to fall short 3-2, yes 3-2. Must be in the water in Mississippi. No Dan, it's not in the water......it's in the parity. Sorry I forgot.

USC, not that one, the one in South Carolina. This is a program that lost to Vandy (See above). Sir Spurrier and the Gamecocks aren't even the best team at their school. (They finished 3rd in the frat co-ed flag football intramural spring league). The almost beat almighty Georgia, I guess that makes them almost a football team.

Speaking of UGA. My TV at 9:33 pm EST has them down 31-3 in the 3rd quarter to on of only 2 legitimate teams in the SEC Alamama (LSU being the other,I will politely leave them alone in the post) They struggled to get by USC, and do so on a regular basis, and traditionally can't make it to the "Big Game"

Rocky Flop, Rocky Flop!! Oh so close!!! Lost to a UCLA squad who got throttled by a Ty Detmerless BYU. Then a Spurrierless Florida and now a Bo Jacksonless Auburn.

For all you SEC lovers out their, keep on livin' the dream. BTW, the new BS (oops BCS) polls are out:

1 Florida
2 Georgia
3 Alabama
4 LSU
5 Auburn
6 Ole Miss
7 Miss St
8 Tenn
9 Kentucky
10 Vandy
11 ArKansas
12 USC
13-212 Everyone else (We don't matter anyway)

There MUST be parity, there is no other reason for this unexplained football season we are seeing.

As a pathetic ACC fan, I will say that there IS parity in the our conference. ALL 12 teams are equally sucky!!

Hugs and kisses!!

There Is No Number 1 in College Football.

On Thursday of this week, the Oregon State Beavers beat the number-one-ranked USC Trojans. I found this to be quite an impossibility before the game, so with that result, after the game, I simply had to decide there is no official number one in college football, for certainly USC had not really lost.

Here's my crystal-clear reasoning:

1. USC lost to Oregon State
2. who had lost to Stanford
3. who had lost to Arizona State
4. who had lost to UNLV
5. who had lost to Utah
6. who are nicknamed the Utes
7. who are a Native American tribe known for using peyote
8. which is a known hallucinogenic
9. which makes people see things that aren't really there
10. which means I didn't actually see USC lose to Oregon State

Follow me on that one? (Anyway, it's pretty clear to me.)

(By the way, did any other completely juvenile mind out there giggle like a little teenager when he heard that on Thursday night the Trojans had been beaten by the Beavers?)

I Can't Believe What I Just Saw!

Just a few minutes ago, at 6:04 p.m. PST, I stepped outside to clean up doggy-doo. (Of course I waited till there was a commercial on during MNF--Go Chargers!) And lo and behold, did my aging eyes deceive me? I saw, and I swear I am not making this up, a father taking his little 3-year-old son for a bike ride on a beautiful autumn eve in the great Pacific Inland Northwest!

During MNF? Seriously? This guy was playing the "father card" over his "man card"? Seriously? Seriously?!

How thoroughly un-American! He probably beats his mom, too! And never buys apple pie either! Yeah! Bastard!

I can't believe this guy is a career Army dude! I can't believe they even let this guy into the armed forces in the first place! Don't they even perform background checks anymore? And if so, what happened to the "do-you-watch-MNF-religiously" question?

He's probably a terrorist commie pinko bastard spy! That's logically the only explanation I can think of for an American male not to be sitting his lard-ass in front of the boob tube in order to play sports-wannabe-armchair-quarterback guy during MNF.

Yep. Probably a terrorist. Or even worse, French! [Shudder.]

The World Is Coming to an End!

How can this be?

Surely, cats and dogs will start living together in perfect harmony, Milli Vanilli will come out with a new acoustic album soon, that fifth dentist will finally cave and recommend Trident like his four other peers, and Terrell Owens will give an entire interview without using the word "I."

With this news, there is certainly something amiss, my sports friends. Be ever vigilant! Don't even sleep!

The time is nigh! In fact, the time is the nighest that I've ever seen it!

I simply cannot believe it. I just can't!

New Olympic Sport--Slap Face

Calculating the Choke Factor

As a long-time follower of the Tennessee Volunteers, I have grown accustomed to their ability to choke during the biggest of games. Outside of the 1998 National Championship (over Bobby Bowden's Seminoles) and the 1986 Sugar Bowl (when they opened up an extra-large can of whoop-ass on Jimmy Johnson's Miami Hurricanes), I have had my fair share of some serious chokage by the Volunteer football squad.

I am pretty sure that many other sports fans out there also have had their stomach-churning, bile-inducing moments of disappointment as well. Thus, with that can't-do spirit in mind, I decided to do a little math; that is, I have created an official Choke Factor Scale (CFS) so that all collegiate football fans may have an idea of what their team will probably do in the next big game.

The CFS goes between 1 and 10, with a 10's signifying that it would have been better if the team had completely forgotten the game day and time, and a 1's signifying, as the great philosopher Timone once said, hakuna matata (i.e., "ain't no worries for the rest of your days").

Here's how, in all my mathematical wizardry, I've decided to compute the CFS:

1. Take the number of seats in your team's home stadium.
2. Divide it by the calendar year of your team's last national championship.
3. Take the difference between the two teams' present national rankings. If your team is ranked lower, multiply this difference and the number from #2. If your team is ranked higher, divide the number from #2 by this difference.
4. Move the decimal two spots to the left.
5. Add the number of years your team's present head football coach has been there.
6. Subtract the Vegas point spread if your team is favored. Add it if your team is not.
7. Divide by the number of conference championships your team has won since 1992 (I know that's a random date, but it's my theory!)
8. And that there's your official CFS number! Revel in it.

So, for Tennessee this weekend against Florida, the numbers would run like this:

1. 102,037
2. 102,037 / 1998 = 51.07
3. (Florida = 4; Tennessee = 32) 51.07 * 28 = 1429.95
4. 14.3
5. 14.3 + 16 (years) = 30.3
6. 30.3 + 7 = 37.3
7. 37.3 / 2 = 18.65

And, for Florida this weekend against Tennessee, the numbers would run like this:

1. 92,000
2. 92,000 / 2006 = 45.86
3. 45.86 / 28 = 1.64
4. 0.0164
5. 0.0164 + 3 (years) = 3.0164
6. 3.0164 - 7 = -3.98
7. -3.98 / 6 = -0.67

Well, at least I know now not to watch this weekend. They're both already off my chart.

A Travesty in Both the Sport and the Pastry Industries

So, my wife brought home some delectable groceries the other day, and much to my delight, she had discovered a splendorous combination of the two greatest inventions ever in the history of the homo sapien species--brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts and college football! Oh happy day! Oh joy! Oh gracious breakfast gods, thank you!

[Dramatic pause with mouth agape here]

. . . . . . . Ohhhhhhhhh, NOOOOOOOO!

Do my bulbous blue eyes deceive me? Or is someone playing a sick practical joke? Either way, I don't know how I can ever enjoy the sweet cinnamony goodness the same way again, for Kellogg's, in all their wondrously breakfasty ways, had not included the one single team that absolutely should never be omitted in any conversation about college football. Look on the box, dear reader, and note the only teams I have the opportunity of eating. Now, I'm sure, if you have half a brain at all dear sports fan, you are immediately able to spot the glaring omission from their Pop Tart college football pantheon.

The Tennessee Volunteers!

How could this be, o great god of Kellogg's?! I do not know. But sadly enough, as I open the foil wrappings each dewy morn, I will never be able to see the beautiful Push-up-sherbet orange of the intertwined letters of U and T winking at me, as if to say what a wonderful day this shall be.

I will simply have to hope that they will soon realize their catastrophic error and make whole boxes of Pop Tarts in only one team, the only team that truly matters--those wonderful Volunteers of the great state of Tennessee.

No Yanks......No Fun!!!!

Baseball.......America's pastime? Well as long as the Yankees are playing in October. The MLB postseason without the Bronx Bombers is like The Olympics without doping......Doesn't seem right. The New York Yankees sit 9 games out of the Wild Card spot with 2 weeks left and are all but gone for the season. Amazing enough, so is America's interest in baseball.

You may love 'em or hate 'em, but you WANT to see the Yankees in the playoffs, you NEED to see the Yankees in the playoffs. That is what sports is all about, rooting for or against a team. Fans are ALWAYS more interested in a game that involves a team they love or loathe. I am a Clemson fan and love to see South Carolina lose. The Redskins are my team and nothing pleases me more than to see the Cowboys get an asswhoopin'.

The Yanks, the Lakers, the Cowboys, Duke Hoops, USC (California) Football are teams that you are either a diehard fan for, or you wish them a beating like a 6 year old who drops the "F" bomb for the 1st time. Although I'm a life-long Orioles fan, I can't imagine watching the ALCS on a cool crisp October night and not seeing Jeter and Arod get cheered for one night at Yankee Stadium and then booed on the road the next game.

Admit it, we love to hate.......evenmoreso in sports. It's what makes us watch!!!!!

Sound Clip from the Dan Patrick Show on SI.com

Hilarious story told by Dan Patrick of SI.com on first meeting Craig Kilborn (CBS Late Late Show fame).

Click HERE to hear it.

The Libertine Life of a Collegiate Mascot

It is a sordid tale of lust, gluttony, sloth, and nun-beating--one that I am quite embarrassed to share, yet one that simply must be told for the sake of the innocently angelic souls of future collegiate mascots everywhere. It is most certainly too late for me, for I was lost to the siren's lecherous song of fame and fortune long ago, but it is for the youth--those that may still be yanked back from the coal-black abyss of utter moral destruction--that I relate my nightmarish three years of collegiate cheerleading hell. Whether it was the numerous parties consisting of performing Mountain Dew keg stands and playing strip cribbage or the seemingly eternal van rides to the flea-infested armpits of the world (i.e., Huntington, West Virgina--where all the men are men, the women are too, and all the sheep are nervous), the salacious ribaldry made its home in my heart and psyche, never to vacate the premises of either ever again.

Maybe one day, I shall write a tell-all book, narrating my foul escapades for all to witness and for Oprah to pity. Only then will my spiritual catharsis be complete, and maybe then I may be saved from the smutty squalor of my past.

Maybe.

May George Bush (or God--whichever) forgive me.

Rob's Top 10 (Plus 1) Least Intimidating Collegiate Mascots

11. Minnesota Gopher
10. Indiana Hoosier
9. Iona Gael (WTF?)
8. Maryland Terrapin
7. Virginia Tech Turkey
6. Delaware Blue Hen
5. Oregon Duck
4. UC Santa Cruz Banana Slug
3. Ohio State Buckeye
2. Syracuse Orange
1. Stanford Christmas Tree

Rob’s 2008 Pre-Season Top 10 (Plus 1) College Football Teams

11. Rob, Dan, and Drew-zuki
10. Right Said Fred
9. USC cheerleading squad
8. Keith Jackson (A-La-Ba-Ma!)
7. Anyone who’s playing against Tennessee
6. Earle Street Baptist Church (Greenville, SC)
5. The Number 5 Team at the end of the year
4. Furman University (also Greenville, SC—what a powerhouse!)
3. Anybody from the SEC West (except any team from Mississippi, of course)
2. Anybody from the SEC East (except Vanderbilt, of course)
1. Who really cares? No one’s played a freakin’ game yet!