Then Ultimate Frisbee would be both an Olympic and a professional sport, and I'd be a mega-star!- Then Waterboy wouldn't be just a pathetic attempt at a movie; it would be my pathetic attempt at a vocation!
- Then I'd be on a Wheaties box!
- Then I certainly wouldn't be a Washington college football fan!
- Then I'd be mountain biking or snow skiing or white water rafting or hiking every single friggin' day!
- Then I'd be doing my snow skiing exclusively at da Wolf!
- Then I'd be doing Mountain Dew keg stands every night in the hot tub at the ski resort's lodge!
- Then I'd be sippin' amaretto sours with my pinkie in the air while watching my fantasy football team open up a few cans of shut-da-hell-up on my brothers-in-law!
- Then both Chris Berman and George Lucas would be calling me regularly to get my opinions on football and Star Wars, respectively (or not)!
- Then my custom home would include a media room with 17 wide-screen plasma hi-def TVs and the NFL package (with the extra TV set on FOX News--ya know, for my comedy of the day)!
- Then somebody on the NFL Today would finally tell Shannon Sharpe that his days are a player are well behind him (so stop talking about them), that he can't pronounce even the simplest of words, and that his attempts at sports commentary are an insult to all pseudo-broadcasters everywhere!
- Then somebody would tell Lou Holtz to get some dentures that fit!
- Then I'd be getting paid some serious bank for my insightful, humorous commentary on all things sports!
- Then the last 8 years under W.'s watch really all would have been a horrible, horrible nightmare from which I may wake up soon!
(The views expressed in this worthless little commentary are solely those of Rob Archer and do not necessarily reflect the other sports wannabes or their lucrative management team--although they certainly should since they're all completely correct and factual!)
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