Know When to Say When

Cases in point:

• Michael Jordan as a Washington Wizard?
• Joe Montana as a Kansas City Chief?
• Reggie White as a Carolina Panther?
• Emmitt Smith as an Arizona Cardinal?
• Brett Favre as a New York Jet?
• Reggie Jackson as a California Angel?
• Rickey Henderson as a Newark Bear?
• George Foreman as a grill spokesman?

Do any of these really work? Are any of these how we will remember the greats?

And now Lance Armstrong--THE Lance Armstrong--wants to race again? C'mon, Lance! Don't tarnish your 7-in-a-row dominance by attempting to make a cycling comeback! Let us all remember you as "great," not as a mediocre "has-been."

Parity Smarity

Give me a Freakin break. I am so sick (and tired) of hearing about parity in college football, especially in the SEC. Based on what I am seeing this year, you can'y be serious. Don't go there..........no, let's go there!!!

OK, Ole Miss even being in the game with Florida is a disgrace. That game "should" have been a blow out.....oh wait a minute (little Dan on my shoulders whispers to me ""Parity") Obviously the Rebels have reached the pinnacle of college football and can now compete, on the road in the swamp, mind you, with Heisman (He coached at Clemson, by the way) Trophy winner Timothy the Great. People will call this an upset, BUT WAIT, if parity in the SEC exists, is this really an upset.....hmmmmmm.

Next, Vandy in the Top 25.......please don't make me address this. The last time the Commodores were in the Top 25, it was in 1978 with the hit Three Times a Lady. They are about as successful at football as NICOLE Richie is at acting.

Mississippi State, the other Bulldog. They must be good. They battled the other Tiger (Auburn)for 60 fascinating minutes, only to fall short 3-2, yes 3-2. Must be in the water in Mississippi. No Dan, it's not in the water......it's in the parity. Sorry I forgot.

USC, not that one, the one in South Carolina. This is a program that lost to Vandy (See above). Sir Spurrier and the Gamecocks aren't even the best team at their school. (They finished 3rd in the frat co-ed flag football intramural spring league). The almost beat almighty Georgia, I guess that makes them almost a football team.

Speaking of UGA. My TV at 9:33 pm EST has them down 31-3 in the 3rd quarter to on of only 2 legitimate teams in the SEC Alamama (LSU being the other,I will politely leave them alone in the post) They struggled to get by USC, and do so on a regular basis, and traditionally can't make it to the "Big Game"

Rocky Flop, Rocky Flop!! Oh so close!!! Lost to a UCLA squad who got throttled by a Ty Detmerless BYU. Then a Spurrierless Florida and now a Bo Jacksonless Auburn.

For all you SEC lovers out their, keep on livin' the dream. BTW, the new BS (oops BCS) polls are out:

1 Florida
2 Georgia
3 Alabama
4 LSU
5 Auburn
6 Ole Miss
7 Miss St
8 Tenn
9 Kentucky
10 Vandy
11 ArKansas
12 USC
13-212 Everyone else (We don't matter anyway)

There MUST be parity, there is no other reason for this unexplained football season we are seeing.

As a pathetic ACC fan, I will say that there IS parity in the our conference. ALL 12 teams are equally sucky!!

Hugs and kisses!!

There Is No Number 1 in College Football.

On Thursday of this week, the Oregon State Beavers beat the number-one-ranked USC Trojans. I found this to be quite an impossibility before the game, so with that result, after the game, I simply had to decide there is no official number one in college football, for certainly USC had not really lost.

Here's my crystal-clear reasoning:

1. USC lost to Oregon State
2. who had lost to Stanford
3. who had lost to Arizona State
4. who had lost to UNLV
5. who had lost to Utah
6. who are nicknamed the Utes
7. who are a Native American tribe known for using peyote
8. which is a known hallucinogenic
9. which makes people see things that aren't really there
10. which means I didn't actually see USC lose to Oregon State

Follow me on that one? (Anyway, it's pretty clear to me.)

(By the way, did any other completely juvenile mind out there giggle like a little teenager when he heard that on Thursday night the Trojans had been beaten by the Beavers?)

I Can't Believe What I Just Saw!

Just a few minutes ago, at 6:04 p.m. PST, I stepped outside to clean up doggy-doo. (Of course I waited till there was a commercial on during MNF--Go Chargers!) And lo and behold, did my aging eyes deceive me? I saw, and I swear I am not making this up, a father taking his little 3-year-old son for a bike ride on a beautiful autumn eve in the great Pacific Inland Northwest!

During MNF? Seriously? This guy was playing the "father card" over his "man card"? Seriously? Seriously?!

How thoroughly un-American! He probably beats his mom, too! And never buys apple pie either! Yeah! Bastard!

I can't believe this guy is a career Army dude! I can't believe they even let this guy into the armed forces in the first place! Don't they even perform background checks anymore? And if so, what happened to the "do-you-watch-MNF-religiously" question?

He's probably a terrorist commie pinko bastard spy! That's logically the only explanation I can think of for an American male not to be sitting his lard-ass in front of the boob tube in order to play sports-wannabe-armchair-quarterback guy during MNF.

Yep. Probably a terrorist. Or even worse, French! [Shudder.]

The World Is Coming to an End!

How can this be?

Surely, cats and dogs will start living together in perfect harmony, Milli Vanilli will come out with a new acoustic album soon, that fifth dentist will finally cave and recommend Trident like his four other peers, and Terrell Owens will give an entire interview without using the word "I."

With this news, there is certainly something amiss, my sports friends. Be ever vigilant! Don't even sleep!

The time is nigh! In fact, the time is the nighest that I've ever seen it!

I simply cannot believe it. I just can't!

New Olympic Sport--Slap Face

Calculating the Choke Factor

As a long-time follower of the Tennessee Volunteers, I have grown accustomed to their ability to choke during the biggest of games. Outside of the 1998 National Championship (over Bobby Bowden's Seminoles) and the 1986 Sugar Bowl (when they opened up an extra-large can of whoop-ass on Jimmy Johnson's Miami Hurricanes), I have had my fair share of some serious chokage by the Volunteer football squad.

I am pretty sure that many other sports fans out there also have had their stomach-churning, bile-inducing moments of disappointment as well. Thus, with that can't-do spirit in mind, I decided to do a little math; that is, I have created an official Choke Factor Scale (CFS) so that all collegiate football fans may have an idea of what their team will probably do in the next big game.

The CFS goes between 1 and 10, with a 10's signifying that it would have been better if the team had completely forgotten the game day and time, and a 1's signifying, as the great philosopher Timone once said, hakuna matata (i.e., "ain't no worries for the rest of your days").

Here's how, in all my mathematical wizardry, I've decided to compute the CFS:

1. Take the number of seats in your team's home stadium.
2. Divide it by the calendar year of your team's last national championship.
3. Take the difference between the two teams' present national rankings. If your team is ranked lower, multiply this difference and the number from #2. If your team is ranked higher, divide the number from #2 by this difference.
4. Move the decimal two spots to the left.
5. Add the number of years your team's present head football coach has been there.
6. Subtract the Vegas point spread if your team is favored. Add it if your team is not.
7. Divide by the number of conference championships your team has won since 1992 (I know that's a random date, but it's my theory!)
8. And that there's your official CFS number! Revel in it.

So, for Tennessee this weekend against Florida, the numbers would run like this:

1. 102,037
2. 102,037 / 1998 = 51.07
3. (Florida = 4; Tennessee = 32) 51.07 * 28 = 1429.95
4. 14.3
5. 14.3 + 16 (years) = 30.3
6. 30.3 + 7 = 37.3
7. 37.3 / 2 = 18.65

And, for Florida this weekend against Tennessee, the numbers would run like this:

1. 92,000
2. 92,000 / 2006 = 45.86
3. 45.86 / 28 = 1.64
4. 0.0164
5. 0.0164 + 3 (years) = 3.0164
6. 3.0164 - 7 = -3.98
7. -3.98 / 6 = -0.67

Well, at least I know now not to watch this weekend. They're both already off my chart.

A Travesty in Both the Sport and the Pastry Industries

So, my wife brought home some delectable groceries the other day, and much to my delight, she had discovered a splendorous combination of the two greatest inventions ever in the history of the homo sapien species--brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts and college football! Oh happy day! Oh joy! Oh gracious breakfast gods, thank you!

[Dramatic pause with mouth agape here]

. . . . . . . Ohhhhhhhhh, NOOOOOOOO!

Do my bulbous blue eyes deceive me? Or is someone playing a sick practical joke? Either way, I don't know how I can ever enjoy the sweet cinnamony goodness the same way again, for Kellogg's, in all their wondrously breakfasty ways, had not included the one single team that absolutely should never be omitted in any conversation about college football. Look on the box, dear reader, and note the only teams I have the opportunity of eating. Now, I'm sure, if you have half a brain at all dear sports fan, you are immediately able to spot the glaring omission from their Pop Tart college football pantheon.

The Tennessee Volunteers!

How could this be, o great god of Kellogg's?! I do not know. But sadly enough, as I open the foil wrappings each dewy morn, I will never be able to see the beautiful Push-up-sherbet orange of the intertwined letters of U and T winking at me, as if to say what a wonderful day this shall be.

I will simply have to hope that they will soon realize their catastrophic error and make whole boxes of Pop Tarts in only one team, the only team that truly matters--those wonderful Volunteers of the great state of Tennessee.

No Yanks......No Fun!!!!

Baseball.......America's pastime? Well as long as the Yankees are playing in October. The MLB postseason without the Bronx Bombers is like The Olympics without doping......Doesn't seem right. The New York Yankees sit 9 games out of the Wild Card spot with 2 weeks left and are all but gone for the season. Amazing enough, so is America's interest in baseball.

You may love 'em or hate 'em, but you WANT to see the Yankees in the playoffs, you NEED to see the Yankees in the playoffs. That is what sports is all about, rooting for or against a team. Fans are ALWAYS more interested in a game that involves a team they love or loathe. I am a Clemson fan and love to see South Carolina lose. The Redskins are my team and nothing pleases me more than to see the Cowboys get an asswhoopin'.

The Yanks, the Lakers, the Cowboys, Duke Hoops, USC (California) Football are teams that you are either a diehard fan for, or you wish them a beating like a 6 year old who drops the "F" bomb for the 1st time. Although I'm a life-long Orioles fan, I can't imagine watching the ALCS on a cool crisp October night and not seeing Jeter and Arod get cheered for one night at Yankee Stadium and then booed on the road the next game.

Admit it, we love to hate.......evenmoreso in sports. It's what makes us watch!!!!!

Sound Clip from the Dan Patrick Show on SI.com

Hilarious story told by Dan Patrick of SI.com on first meeting Craig Kilborn (CBS Late Late Show fame).

Click HERE to hear it.

The Libertine Life of a Collegiate Mascot

It is a sordid tale of lust, gluttony, sloth, and nun-beating--one that I am quite embarrassed to share, yet one that simply must be told for the sake of the innocently angelic souls of future collegiate mascots everywhere. It is most certainly too late for me, for I was lost to the siren's lecherous song of fame and fortune long ago, but it is for the youth--those that may still be yanked back from the coal-black abyss of utter moral destruction--that I relate my nightmarish three years of collegiate cheerleading hell. Whether it was the numerous parties consisting of performing Mountain Dew keg stands and playing strip cribbage or the seemingly eternal van rides to the flea-infested armpits of the world (i.e., Huntington, West Virgina--where all the men are men, the women are too, and all the sheep are nervous), the salacious ribaldry made its home in my heart and psyche, never to vacate the premises of either ever again.

Maybe one day, I shall write a tell-all book, narrating my foul escapades for all to witness and for Oprah to pity. Only then will my spiritual catharsis be complete, and maybe then I may be saved from the smutty squalor of my past.

Maybe.

May George Bush (or God--whichever) forgive me.

Rob's Top 10 (Plus 1) Least Intimidating Collegiate Mascots

11. Minnesota Gopher
10. Indiana Hoosier
9. Iona Gael (WTF?)
8. Maryland Terrapin
7. Virginia Tech Turkey
6. Delaware Blue Hen
5. Oregon Duck
4. UC Santa Cruz Banana Slug
3. Ohio State Buckeye
2. Syracuse Orange
1. Stanford Christmas Tree

Rob’s 2008 Pre-Season Top 10 (Plus 1) College Football Teams

11. Rob, Dan, and Drew-zuki
10. Right Said Fred
9. USC cheerleading squad
8. Keith Jackson (A-La-Ba-Ma!)
7. Anyone who’s playing against Tennessee
6. Earle Street Baptist Church (Greenville, SC)
5. The Number 5 Team at the end of the year
4. Furman University (also Greenville, SC—what a powerhouse!)
3. Anybody from the SEC West (except any team from Mississippi, of course)
2. Anybody from the SEC East (except Vanderbilt, of course)
1. Who really cares? No one’s played a freakin’ game yet!