What $700 Billion Would Be Good For

In the midst of our government's recent discovery of $700 billion just lying around in a back closet of the White House in order to bail out Wall Street mega-tycoons, I've decided to list what I believe to be better uses of that kind of cashola. Here they are:

• Buy a brand new sports complex for every pro team in the four major professional sports--football (32), basketball (30), baseball (30), and hockey (30). Hell, Lucas Oil Stadium, the new home for the Indianapolis Colts, cost a meager $720 million, so I'm sure we could swing a new nice complex for everyone else, right?
• Purchase the Dallas Cowboys, the Dallas Mavericks, the Oakland Raiders, and the New York Yankees just so that we could get those 4 owners (Jerry Jones, Mark Cuban, Al Davis, and George Steibrenner, respectively) to go away. Forever.
• Give referee Ed Hochuli and his entire extended family a lifetime witness protection program, complete with nice homes and full-time security guards.
• Hire both Urban Meyer and Nick Saban to coach Tennessee football for life (or at least to pay them off to get them out of the SEC forever).
• Give the whole kit and kaboodle, every bloody cent to Terrell Owens if he would just shut the hell up once and for all and go away. Forever! (It would be well worth it to me.)

Any other ideas?