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Recorded on 11-09-2008

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Rob's Sincerest Apologies and an Offer


OK, so it seems that I am the problem (a fact that Dan could've told me a long time ago, and, now that I think about it, probably did had I listened to him), and I am sorry. But it seems that this year--the football season of 2008-09--any team with which I am even vaguely associated is doing as poorly as any movie with Paris Hilton in it.

Here are the facts:

  • The University of Tennessee (I am a lifetime fan.): They are presently experiencing a 7-loss season, only the second in the team's history, and if they don't beat both Vanderbilt and Kentucky, they will experience their first 8-loss or even 9-loss season ever. Plus, in all 120 Div. IA schools, the Vols are presently 115th in offense. To add insult to injury, Tennessee just lost to the 120th (i.e., dead freakin' last) offensive team in the nation--Wyoming. By the way, my cousin is Phillip Fulmer's agent, so that can't help.

  • The University of Washington and Washington State University (I live in Washington.): Presently, these two schools are a combined 1-20, have been outscored 932-278, and rank as the 118th and 119th offensive teams in the nation.

  • The San Diego Chargers (I lived in San Diego for 6 years and became a big fan.): Even though most expert prognosticators believed that this was to be San Diego's year, the year they take the Super Bowl, because of their awesome defense and their balanced offense, they are presently 4-5 and struggling to win a very weak AFC West Division. In fact, the Chargers are dead last in the league in pass defense, 26th (out of 32) in total defense (in terms of total yards allowed), and 25th in offensive rushing yards gained (with LT!!!!). I blame Norv; he blames me.

  • The Seattle Seahawks (Again, for those of you not paying attention, I live in Washington.): This was to be a wonderful send-off to Coach Holmgren, possibly even making a Super Bowl run; however, they are currently 2-7, which puts them as either 2nd or last in the easiest division in football, the NFC West. They are 31st in the league in pass defense, 27th in total defense (in terms of total yards allowed), and 30th in offensive total yards gained. I blame the plethora of injuries that have decimated the team this year; Holmgren blames me.

So, allow me to offer the following to the preceding teams: I am willing to listen to any and all financial offers to sell my loyalties away from your teams. In these harsh financial times, I will eschew any sense of sports integrity I may still have and sell my fanhood to some other teams; in fact, I will allow you to pick the teams as long as the money is right. Please understand that because I am not a one-team man, I will whore myself out to as many teams as are willing to pony up the bank. Please have the money in small bills delivered to my house directly with the contract you wish me to sign in hand. Make me an offer! I am willing to listen! I'm a public school teacher, for God's sake!

I swear I'm serious! I've listed it on eBay and on Craig's List!

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